20 years ago when I was married I thought I fell in love with another man. We had some kind of magical, mysterious connection that was powerful and un-namable but very palpable within our energetic field. I became obsessed and filled with a deep, aching longing that took over my life. Being a good wife, of course I never acted upon this magnetic attraction. Instead I went to a counselor to try to overcome the debilitating feelings of overwhelm. She said “It’s a spiritual matter”. I was 36 then and not yet on my path of spiritual devotion so I didn’t really fully get that, though I was more than vaguely aware of the spiritual nature of my feelings and felt that God was somehow more present within the energies of me and this man. Of course, looking back I can see that it was just that he triggered some dormant part of my spiritual consciousness. He had a reggae radio show and would play songs directed at my life issues and through the music I accessed something previously inaccessible, or so was my illusion. The songs were filled with devotion to Jah and was the beginning of my transcendence from human directed, emotionally attached love to a more immense devotional love for God. Without being able to act on my feelings they were redirected by the music. This went on for almost 4 years. Then I took a trip to Senegal, Africa with my west african dance troupe to study dance and culture for 5 weeks. I had an intense, spontaneous kundalini opening my first night there in that energy field of intense, heightened, spiritual-sexual Mother earth rootedness. I thought I was dying but afterward I had an immense heart opening that filled me with boundless love so vast it never could have been held by this culture, but in this ancient culture I was normal and my wide open heart was held by the pure African friends I made there.
That experience broke the spell of my infatuation and started me on my spiritual path in earnest. It was 2000, just at the turn of the new millenium. When I returned I was changed and my entire life became undone. It was like the container of my life could no longer hold the person I’d become. My marriage fell apart, my art career took a nose dive, I turned within, studied classical ballet, and began a daily yoga practice in an effort to regulate the released energies flooding my system. Looking back years later, I recognized that it was the build up of pent up emotional, spiritual, devotional, sexual longing that I had projected onto the man of my attraction that led to the huge release of my kundalini awakening. It took getting myself out of our western culture with it’s confusion of romantic love for Divine Love to experience the totality of what the ancient people know in their bones- that connection to God is the primary source of Love and fulfillment. This opening dismantled my life but also began the long (now 15 year) process of purifying my ego fears which have at times seemed bottomless- perhaps they are. But I’m getting there. One by one they are dissolving into the vast ground of being which is the new container for my life. It’s my connection to the Holy Spirit which has allowed my fears to be released. This is happening rapidly now and being reflected in my new paintings, which are more channeled, intuitive, fluid, spontaneous and free. Letting go of ego control has supported me in letting go of creative control.
Two nights ago I had another kundalini experience of heart opening into Divine Love that altered me permanently I think. As a mother, the strongest love I have known in this human life is the love for my children. The mother-infant bond is completely Unitive in a way no other human relationship can compare. As my children have grown up and now live far away I have been filled with that similar deep, aching longing for connection with them that was fleetingly tasted as a young mother, but can never truly satiate in a sustainable way . This has been going on for 10 years at least and has become unbearably painful at times. Without contact with them I’ve had no choice but to go within to that deeper connection to Source for comfort. The other day it seemed my longing for that emotional connection with my children came to a head. I prayed in my temple during my late afternoon meditation. I literally called in the Holy Spirit as I lay in bed before sleep. This redirected longing for my children into summoning of God brought in a huge wave of healing Grace as I was literally awaked by an infusion of the Holy Spirit coursing through my body and my heart expanded in boundless love equal to what I experienced in Senegal almost 16 years ago. It felt like the kundalini had worked it’s way through the lower chakra issues and moved into my heart space, at long last. The love was so vast, so timeless and so much larger than the love for my children or even this lifetime and I was overcome by the feeling that my children will always be in my heart and I will always be in theirs and that together we are cradled in God’s Love. It left me with a profound sense of peace and deep compassion for all beings that I have not experienced so strongly ever before.
Here I share a bunch of my recent paintings that express my big shift that has been in the works since that catalyst of the man attraction those 20 years ago. It seems like a long time in the making and that it’s taken forever for me to understand that counselor’s words “It’s a spiritual matter” and I know the spiritual path has no end, yet I feel like I have made a quantum leap into my authentic essence of being and it feels victorious. I am in new territory. Blessings to you all~